Tag: motherhood

Advocating for Women: One Mother’s Path to Becoming a Doula

With c-sections births occurring far more frequently and rising hospital costs, many women are exploring alternative birth options. One option is hiring a doula. I had the opportunity to discuss this option with Briana Green, a Doula and phenomenal mother of two girls who turned her challenging birth experience into an opportunity to advocate for other moms.

The night I gave birth to my first son, the doctor I’d carefully hand-picked was unavailable. I went through 26 hours of non-progressive labor, had an emergency c-section, and spent 5 hours recovering without my son, who had been rushed to NICU… or my husband, who I’d forced to go with him.  I wasn’t the kind of mom who had a detailed birth plan. However, what I experienced certainly was not what I had envisioned.  Every thing turned out fine but for a long time, I couldn’t talk about the experience without growing emotional.  At the time, there was so much about my experience I didn’t understand.  I was given medications I didn’t have the opportunity to research and had major surgery without really understanding the lifelong consequences.  Although my second birth experience was far less traumatic, it’s still hard to look back on my first without wishing I had made different choices.

As I near the end of my third pregnancy, I consider myself far more informed.  In addition, I have gained a healthy respect for my first birth experience and the time it took to move past it.  Often described as Birth Trauma or Postpartum PTSD, some women suffer from a painful psychological toll following a traumatic birth experience.  With c-section births occurring far more frequently, particularly in our community, and rising hospital costs, many women are exploring alternative birth options.  One option is hiring a doula.  I had the opportunity to discuss this option with Briana Green, a Doula and phenomenal mother of two girls who turned her challenging birth experience into an opportunity to advocate for other moms.

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Q. Tell us a little about yourself. Where are you from? Where do you live? How would people who know you describe you?

I am a lawyer by trade and have also worked in real estate. I am a mom of two beautiful girls ages 10 and 4. I am from and currently live in Prince George’s County, MD. People usually describe me as a very laid back person and loyal friend. I am a bit of a straight shooter, too.

Q. What is a doula?

A doula can be described as a support person for women during pregnancy, labor and delivery, and the immediate postpartum period. Doulas are not medical providers; however, due to the nature of our business, we do have knowledge of the medical processes taking place during labor and delivery. Doulas are primarily women although I have heard of a few men in the field. We provide education prenatally, arming expectant moms and their partners and in some cases families with information about the labor and delivery process, breastfeeding, newborn care and hospital procedures. This allows our clients to make the best choices for themselves during their pregnancies and ultimately during labor and delivery and the care of their new baby. We help mothers draft detailed plans for their birth and help them implement the plan as much as possible during their labor and delivery.

“The goal of a doula is to empower mothers so that they may make the choices they deem best for them and be active participants in their birth experiences. Doulas help moms learn to advocate for themselves with their care providers.”

The goal of a doula is to empower mothers so that they may make the choices they deem best for them and be active participants in their birth experiences. Doulas help moms learn to advocate for themselves with their care providers. During labor and delivery we may ask questions or be a sounding board for the mother and her family as they face any given choice. We also provide physical support for moms in labor, helping them manage their contractions by utilizing techniques such as massage, counter pressure, acupressure, and the application of heat and/or cold. Doulas are trained in techniques which in some cases can speed or optimize labor by encouraging optimal fetal positioning. Some doulas specialize in postpartum care working more intensively with moms after delivery as they adjust to having a new baby at home. They provide support in the home with meal preparation, newborn care, and breastfeeding support.

Q. How long have you been a doula?

I have been a doula for almost two years.

Q. Why did you decide to become a doula? How did your previous experience lead you to becoming a doula?

After the birth of my first daughter, I was disappointed in my labor and delivery experience. I was in law school at the time and did as much research as I could.  However, I couldn’t devote as much time to it as I would have liked. I made some choices during that labor that resulted from me not being fully informed on their consequences. The result of which left me with an unsatisfying experience. With my second pregnancy and labor, I was much more informed and made what I consider better choices. However, upon reaching the hospital very near delivery, things fell apart. I needed someone there who was knowledgeable and able to help me advocate for myself as I was in no condition to do it alone. Having another informed voice there making suggestions or asking questions would have made a world of difference.

As a result of my birth experiences, I had a desire to be a support for other mothers to help them have the experiences they desire. I studied all things birth in my spare time. I was a resource for my pregnant and breastfeeding friends. Eventually, I took the plunge and decided to get certified as a birth and postpartum doula. I strongly believe that if a mother feels her voice was heard and she made the choices that were best for her along the way, she will consider it a positive experience even if things don’t go as planned. That is what was missing from my own birth experiences and it is what I wanted to help provide for other mothers.

 “I strongly believe that if a mother feels her voice was heard, and she made the choices that were best for her along the way, she will consider it a positive experience even if things don’t go as planned. That is what was missing from my own birth experiences and it is what I wanted to help provide for other mothers.”

Q. How did you prepare? How much time did it take?  

I took my training with a nonprofit organization in Washington, DC. My training included 14 weeks of classroom education, covering the physiologic and psychological processes of birth, holistic birth, hospital procedures, comfort measures, encouraging optimal fetal positioning, breastfeeding support, childbirth education, postpartum support, newborn care and much more. The training was very intensive. We also were assigned a mentor within the organization with whom we would attend our first births so we could get the hands on experience with an experienced birth worker supporting us along the way. Upon completion, I was provisionally certified as a birth and postpartum doula, child birth educator, as well as a lactation coach. There was a lot of follow up work to be done to gain full certification which included an extensive reading list as well as a requirement to provide birth support, postpartum support and breastfeeding support to a certain number of mothers.

Most programs are not this intensive. They generally include a shorter classroom period, which is generally an extended seminar over several days. The students receive the core information in supporting mothers in labor and postpartum. Students are then required to do additional study on their own, such as taking child birth courses and of course attending their required births, before receiving full certification. The prices for doula trainings range from on average $300-1000 depending on how much follow up education is needed for full certification from your certifying agency.

Q. I am currently eight months pregnant with my third son.  I am planning on a repeat c-section but am open to a Vaginal Birth After Cesarean Section (VBAC) if I labor.  Because of my past experience, I would feel safest in an environment where I am closely monitored by physicians and a surgical team. When I think of a doula, I think of a child birth experience free of excessive medical intervention.  Is that accurate? Who would be a good candidate for a doula?

Doulas assist mothers in all types of births. Doulas are not just reserved for intervention free births, home births or birth center births. I have supported moms with planned c-sections, emergency c-sections, inductions, multiples, high risk moms and/or babies, epidurals, breech babies, VBAC, fetal loss, the list goes on. You name it, I have probably seen it. A doula is equipped to support moms in any type of birth experience, planned or otherwise.  If a doula is experienced they are very skilled and familiar with working with hospital personnel to ensure that a mother has a safe and satisfying experience, even in high risk birthing scenarios that require medical intervention. If you ask me, everyone is a good candidate for a doula!

Q. How would I find a doula?

Many doulas work with agencies which you can find listed online. There are also online databases that list doulas and the services they provide. Another good way to find a doula is to speak with your care provider. Many OB/GYNs and midwives have contact information from doulas with which they have worked before or with which they have met in the office that they will pass along to you if asked.

“This is a very intimate relationship and your doula should be someone with whom you are comfortable and someone you trust.”

Q. What is the average cost?

The cost for a doula varies greatly depending on geographical location. The range is from approximately $500 – $2000. Each doula will vary in what this price includes, but generally you can expect to receive at least 2 prenatal visits, continuous labor support starting at active labor, 1-2 postpartum visits and phone support.

Q. What are factors an expectant mom should consider in finding the right doula?

Moms should look for a doula who feels like a good fit personally for them. Feel free to interview more than one doula if the first one interviewed doesn’t feel like the best fit for you. This is a very intimate relationship and your doula should be someone with whom you are comfortable and someone you trust. Other factors to consider are the doula’s experience, particularly if you have a high risk pregnancy, you would want someone who is familiar with your specific needs. A doula’s philosophy is important to consider as well. For example, if you are a mom who is most comfortable with a medically centered birth you may not want a doula whose preference is for intervention free deliveries. You can find out a lot about a doula’s philosophy during an initial consultation.

Q. What has been your most memorable experience thus far?

I have had a lot of memorable experiences. I guess I will share my most recent memorable experience. Recently one of my clients delivered her 7th child in the car in front of the hospital! We couldn’t get her into the hospital. Her husband ended up catching the baby. Hospital staff came running out after everything was over. That was an interesting one and a first for me.

“Your birth plan should take into account that some things may not go as planned, and there should always be a Plan B. Go over your birth plan with your provider so that you can be certain that you are on the same page and none of your desires will contradict any hospital or birth center policies. Do not be afraid to advocate for yourself.”

Q. Any advice for expectant moms in developing their birth plan?

When developing a birth plan, I suggest that you get as much education as possible beforehand. Study the pros and cons of each choice so you can create an informed birth plan. At the same time, it is very important to be flexible. Understand that even the most well laid plan can go to pot in labor and delivery. That is why it is important to be well informed. Your birth plan should take into account that some things may not go as planned and there should always be a Plan B. Go over your birth plan with your provider so that you can be certain that you are on the same page and none of your desires will contradict any hospital or birth center policies. Do not be afraid to advocate for yourself. Sometimes your desires may not be what is typically asked of your provider, and they may say it is not possible to accommodate. However, sometimes with a little creativity you can find a way to come up with a plan that is agreeable to you both.

For more information on Briana Green and her amazing services, visit: www.sacredcirclebirths.com.

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About The Author

Faye McCray is anMcCray_AuthorPhoto (1) attorney by day and writer all the time. Her work has been featured on My Brown Baby, AfroPunk, AfroNews, For Harriet, Madame Noire, Black Girl Nerds, Black and Married with Kids, and other popular publications.  Faye also has a number of short stories and a full length novel available for purchase on Amazon.  Most importantly, Faye is a proud wife and mother to three beautiful and talented young boys who she is fiercely passionate about raising. You can find Faye on Twitter @fayewrites and on the web at fayemccray.com.

20 Affirmations for Expectant Mothers

There are so many beautiful things about pregnancy. Your child will never be closer to you and that fact can bring you peace. However, it’s easy to get lost in worry and “what ifs” if you allow yourself to give in to all that can go wrong. Here are twenty affirmations to repeat if you find yourself overwhelmed with doubt.

There are so many beautiful things about pregnancy. Your child will never be closer to you and that fact can bring you peace. However, it’s easy to get lost in worry and “what ifs” if you allow yourself to give in to all that can go wrong. Here are twenty affirmations to repeat if you find yourself overwhelmed with doubt.

Dads, feel free to say them with your partners.

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  1. I am beautiful

  2. I am safe.

  3. I am protected.

  4. I am strong.

  5. I am worthy.

  6. I am intuitive.

  7. I am able.

  8. I am growing.

  9. I am confident.

  10. I am vulnerable.

  11. I am grateful.

  12. I am happy.

  13. I am healthy.

  14. I am powerful.

  15. I am peaceful.

  16. I am rested.

  17. I am responsible.

  18. I am hydrated.

  19. I am capable of love.

  20. I am loved.

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    About The Author

    Faye McCray is anMcCray_AuthorPhoto (1) attorney by day and writer all the time. Her work has been featured on My Brown Baby, AfroPunk, AfroNews, For Harriet, Madame Noire, Black Girl Nerds, Black and Married with Kids, and other popular publications.  Faye also has a number of short stories and a full length novel available for purchase on Amazon.  Most importantly, Faye is a proud wife and mother to three beautiful and talented young boys who she is fiercely passionate about raising. You can find Faye on Twitter @fayewrites and on the web at fayemccray.com.

Cracking the Introverted Child: Getting Your Tween to Open Up

As a tween life can run the gamut of emotions. Our children often have the additional burden of processing other people’s microaggressions and stereotypes that aren’t always easy for a young mind to understand. It is important to me that my son knows I am available to listen whenever he needs me. Here are some tricks I have learned to get my son to open up.

Even when raised in the same family, children can be vastly different. They are unique and their little personalities take shape well before we have the chance to mold them.  Soon after my second son was born, I remember being astounded at how differently he and his brother would respond to the same situation.  As they grew older and their personalities took shape even more, I realized dealing them in exact same way often does not work. Altering my parenting style is often necessary, especially when getting them to open up.  For instance, while my middle son will talk the ear off most willing listeners, my eldest rarely gives more than a one word answer when asked about his day.  While being guarded isn’t always a bad thing, it is important to me that he doesn’t get bottled up.  As a tween life can run the gamut of emotions. Our children often have the additional burden of processing other people’s microaggressions and stereotypes that aren’t always easy for a young mind to understand. It is important to me that my son knows I am available to listen whenever he needs me.  Here are some tricks I have learned to get my son to open up:

1. Create a judgment-free zone.

I found some of what fuels my son’s unwillingness to open up is a fear of being judged.  He is extremely sensitive and when he speaks, is it very important to him that he feels heard and not judged for his feelings or actions. If my husband or I rush to a conclusion about something he has confided in us, he grows emotional or worse, he shuts down.

As a parent, it is instinctual to want to protect your child.  Often that means listening to them with some level of judgment. We all do it. We want to make sure they are making the right choices when they aren’t with us, and if they tell us something that we know may lead to harm, our first instinct is to get them back on the right path.  However, I have learned to be gentle in that guidance when it comes to my guarded son. I start by letting him know how much I value his honesty. I also consistently let him know he can talk to me about anything and everything and I will (try my best to) listen without anger.  Rather than lecturing him immediately, I have learned to ask him questions that will lead him to the right conclusion. Instead of saying, you shouldn’t have done that.  I ask, what consequences do you think you could face? What do you think you could have done differently? These open-ended questions not only fuel the conversation, but they give him the intellectual freedom to draw his own conclusions without feeling judged.

2. Make one-on-one time.

I always know my son wants to talk when he volunteers to go with me on an errand.  It is usually a random request to ride with me to Target or walk with me to the cluster mailbox in our cul de sac.  As a family of four (soon to be five), it isn’t always easy for him to grab alone time with me or my husband.  I learned quickly that these seemingly small requests were his way of getting the alone time he craved. Inevitably, he starts talking.

When you have more than one child, alone time is important to all children, not just your introverted child.  Each child needs your undivided attention outside the often judgmental and immature ears of siblings.  When my middle son was in preschool, we discovered a local cafe that had a “cookie of the day.”  It was such a fun discovery for both of us because the place had little tables by the lake and plenty of space for him to run around. It became a regular ritual for us to go get a quick cookie during the time between when he was dismissed from school and when my oldest got out a few hours later. Even at four years old, it quickly turned into a time for us to talk.  Even if you can’t steal away time with your child, find small moments at home.  When my eldest was small, I would snuggle with him for a few moments in his room before he fell asleep.  Now, he has a later bedtime than his younger siblings so sometimes he spends it smashed between my husband and I on the couch giggling at a family-friendly TV show.  These moments provide him with an opportunity to open up to us about anything that may have been weighing on him throughout his day.

3. Be open about your own thoughts and feelings.

Last school year, my son had some issues with a few boys in school when they decided they didn’t want to play with him anymore.  He didn’t come right out and admit it bothered him but he mentioned the incident in passing with a small shrug.  I knew he was affected by it but he wasn’t quite comfortable being vulnerable enough to admit it.  Knowing that coaxing him would not work, I told him a story of a similar experience I had when a few girls in my elementary school treated me in a similar way.  It was surprisingly easy to dig back to that time and remember my own hurt and confusion.  He listened intently and it wasn’t long before he was echoing my feelings and asking me how I solved the problem.

Developing a relationship with your child is a two-way street. In order to gain their trust, it is often necessary to give them yours. By confiding in your child about your own insecurities and vulnerabilities, you allow them to see your humanity.  Building that foundation is crucial to breaking your introverted child out of their shell.

4. Give your child your full attention.

My sons ALWAYS know when I am distracted.  They call me on it and hold me accountable.  I work from home and have additional projects that make my schedule unconventional.  I would probably lose days on my computer if it weren’t for my children constantly reminding me to exist in reality.  Introverted children are particularly sensitive to distraction.  Opening up is not easy. When they do, it is important they have your full, undivided attention. If it’s not possible to drop everything when they need to talk, make sure you schedule a time when you can.  Don’t just say “we’ll talk later.” Give them specifics and make sure to follow through.  Scheduling a time to talk shows them that what they have to say is important to you and you will make it a priority to hear it.

What do you think, family? Share your tips and tricks for getting your child to open up in the comments below.  It takes a village!

 

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About The Author

Faye McCray is anMcCray_AuthorPhoto (1) attorney by day and writer all the time. Her work has been featured on My Brown Baby, AfroPunk, AfroNews, For Harriet, Madame Noire, Black Girl Nerds, Black and Married with Kids, and other popular publications.  Faye also has a number of short stories and a full length novel available for purchase on Amazon.  Most importantly, Faye is a proud wife and mother to three beautiful and talented young boys who she is fiercely passionate about raising. You can find Faye on Twitter @fayewrites and on the web at fayemccray.com.

Tears for Jordan*

One mom’s emotional reflection on parenting in the era of increased gun violence.

Featured Photo (c) Faye McCray 2016 All rights reserved.

He’s up from nap.

He stretches his long legs out over his blue and green sheets, snuggling his curly hair into his pillow.  He opens his big brown eyes and looks at me, a soft smile on his face, then he closes his eyes again, turning so his chubby golden cheeks nestle deep into his pillow.  He curls in a ball, drawing his knees to his chest and breathing softly.  He looks so tiny in his new big boy bed.  His three-year-old frame only making up a third of its length.  The rest crowded with his stuffed animal friends and fluffy comforter.

Are you up, baby?

I whisper it, kneeling beside his bed and breathing in his smell.  He smells like cookies and clay.  From the morning of playtime and the snack he just had to have.  I kiss his nose and he wipes it away, sitting up slowly.  His bare feet dangling over the edge of his bed and his eyes still hanging low from sleep.  I watch as a soft yawn escapes his tiny pink lips.  I remember him as the colorless baby, swaddled and content, nestled in my arms as I dreamed for him, wondering what his new life would bring.  Fresh steps, new soul.

Now, he reaches his arms out for me and I lift him.  Letting him nestle his head into that soft dip near my collarbone, and wrap his little legs around my waist.  I feel his body release a heavy sigh.

He is safe and he feels it.  I run my hand over his warm back, and I do too.

He fills me.  My soul forever pregnant.  Giving birth to thoughts and plans of his life and his brother’s, mine, ours and theirs.  I remember the love that made them.  The love that sustains them.  I nourish it so we witness them hand-in-hand.  I nourish my mind so I don’t miss a moment.  I dream of being silver-haired and watching the children they make, play off a country porch, their shadows dancing at sunset in a lake.  Smiling to myself, content.  Lived and full.

But now I cry.

My tears are puddles at my feet.  Joining in the streams that fill the rivers, staining the Diaspora.  For Lucia and Sybrina.  For Emmett, Addie Mae, Cynthia, Carole and Denise’s Mommies.  For Hadiya’s Mommy.  For Baltimore’s Mommies.  For Chicago’s.  For Detroit’s.  For New York City’s.  For all the dreams halted by bullets.  The joy buried in caskets.  The Mommy’s whose babies they were helpless to protect.  Guns loaded with worthlessness both mandated by a careless society and perpetuated needlessly by its victims.

It’s all hate crimes.

I once again lower my head beneath a stream of water and wash a festering sore.  Hoping to rinse away the virus infecting my dreams.  The virus that worries about the evil in others, the criminalization of the beautiful brown skin love made, and the lowered expectations of every teacher under a brainwashed spell.  That virus that caused me to worry when my sons grew out of their toddler clothes because I knew it was only a matter of time before the world stopped seeing the beauty I did.  Before those kind smiles and waves from strangers, became purse clutching, eye-avoiding fear, nurtured and fostered by an unkind media and an unfair justice system.

I place a Band-Aid on the festering sore and dream awake.  The lullaby of lies is only comforting to the unconscious.

My eyes are open now.

He’s awake.

 

*In 2012, after an argument over loud music, Michael Dunn, a 47-yr old white Floridian fired ten shots into a carful of unarmed black teenagers, killing Jordan Davis, a seventeen year old boy.  Yesterday, after more than thirty hours of deliberation, a jury found Dunn guilty of three counts of attempted second degree murder and one count of firing into an occupied car.  A mistrial was declared on the first-degree murder charge.

This post originally appeared on http://www.fayemccray.com.

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About The Author

Faye McCray is anMcCray_AuthorPhoto (1) attorney by day and writer all the time. Her work has been featured on My Brown Baby, AfroPunk, AfroNews, For Harriet, Madame Noire, Black Girl Nerds, Black and Married with Kids, and other popular publications.  Faye also has a number of short stories and a full length novel available for purchase on Amazon.  Most importantly, Faye is a proud wife and mother to three beautiful and talented young boys who she is fiercely passionate about raising. You can find Faye on Twitter @fayewrites and on the web at fayemccray.com.