parenting – weemagine

Teaching Your Children About The 2016 Election

As media coverage has gotten more and more hostile and divisive, I find it incredibly difficult to expose my children to positive election news coverage that informs them of the choices before the American public. Here are a few kid-friendly sites I have found that make it easier to teach our children about the 2016 Presidential Election and the election process.

This week, the 4th and 5th grade classes in my sons’ elementary school held a mock presidential election. In the weeks leading up to the election, the students were encouraged to educate themselves on the candidates running for office so they would make informed decisions when casting their votes. As media coverage has gotten more and more hostile and divisive, I find it incredibly difficult to expose my children to positive election news coverage that informs them of the choices before the American public. However, when my son came home from school after he voted and asked me if Trump “hated babies,” I knew I needed to take affirmative steps to get him informed! Here are a few kid-friendly sites I have found that make it easier to teach our children about the 2016 Presidential Election and the election process.

1. Kids.gov

Kids.gov is the “official kids’ portal for the U.S. government.” It is divided into four categories: Kids (Grades K-5), Teens (Grades 6-8), Teachers and Parents. It also has a link to their YouTube Channel which currently features a video on how votes are counted in an election. The site features games, videos and interactive worksheets explaining the workings of the government.

Truth be told, the site is pretty no frills and not all that exciting. However, it is extremely informative. It was a great refresher for me and also gave me the tools to teach the basics of U.S. government to my children in a way that they understand. The site does not discuss the candidates but it does include links to learn about your individual state.

2. Scholastic News

Yes, this is the Scholastic of your childhood. Scholastic is a publisher of thousands of books and educational materials for school age children.

I like the Scholastic site. So did my kids. Visually, the site is appealing. It includes an election countdown, results of a student Scholastic vote, and stories by kid reporters, including the latest election news. The site also includes candidate profiles and lessons on the election process. Scholastic is unique because it is the only site I came across that provided information on Jill Stein and Gary Johnson, the Green Party and Libertarian Party nominees, respectively.

3. TIME for Kids

TIME for Kids is a weekly classroom news magazine sponsored by Time, Inc. It is very similar to the Scholastic site. It also features an opportunity for kids to vote, stories by kids reporters and candidate profiles. I like the profiles on Time better because they are more detailed. For that reason, they may be more appropriate for older children.

Although they don’t address the more controversial issues of the election, there are a few articles on TIME for Kids that tackle difficult topics that your children may have questions about like, “How possible is a Rigged Election?” The article is a fact-based discussion of voter fraud but it does mention Trump’s allegations of election tampering. I appreciate that Time doesn’t “dumb down” the election coverage which makes it a great spring board for discussing the election with your child/children.

4. PBSKids.org You Choose 2016

We are big fans of PBS Kids website in our house. The site has games and activities featuring your favorite characters from the television network. Their 2016 Campaign Coverage does not disappoint.

While it isn’t as comprehensive as TIME for Kids or Scholastic, it is a great resource for younger children. It’s simple interface and lively music made it attractive to my six year old almost immediately. It includes a section called Meet the Candidates which features basic information about the Democratic and Republican nominees. It also features a number of videos with a kid reporter named Presley who explains the basics of government and the election process. Kids can also create campaign posters and trading cards with past U.S. Presidents and their spouses.

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About The Author

Faye McCray is an attorney by day and writer all the time. Her work has been featured on My Brown Baby, AfroPunk, AfroNews, For Harriet, Madame Noire, Black Girl Nerds, Black and Married with Kids, and other popular publications. Faye also has a number of short stories and a full length novel available for purchase on Amazon. Most importantly, Faye is a proud wife and mother to three beautiful and talented young boys who she is fiercely passionate about raising. You can find Faye on Twitter @fayewrites and on the web at fayemccray.com.

Teaching Our Boys About Sexual Assault

We live in a society permissive of the objectification of women and steeped heavily in the culture of rape. Especially in our communities. Not only do I want to raise men who never perpetuate these crimes, I want them to be the type of men who actively stand up against them.

When I was 18, I was sexually assaulted. It was early in my first year of college and I was attending a party off campus with a group of girls I barely knew. A man I didn’t know grabbed and groped me from behind, and when I broke free and tried to defend myself, he and his friends surrounded me. I was able to run out of the party and get a cab. I cried the whole way back to my dorm. I have to admit, even now, it feels foolish to call what happened to me sexual assault. It was 1999 and at 18, I just considered it a bad experience. I assumed it was part of being a woman. By the next morning, I had even decided I was lucky. It could have been worse. For so many women, it was so much worse.

The fact is, sexual assault is “any type of forced or coerced sexual contact or behavior that happens without consent.” It can include rape, attempted rape, molestation, unwelcome touching, sexual harassment or threats. According to the Office of Women’s Health, “in the United States, nearly one in five women has been raped and almost half of women have experienced another type of sexual assault.”

This fall, my husband and I are expecting our third boy. When I found out he was a boy, I have to admit, a small part of me, was relieved. Though living as a Black man in American society has it’s own risks, I knew I’d never have to worry about them being ogled in the street as adolescents or insulted when they refused to reciprocate a stranger’s advances or be groped as college freshman at a party. I allowed myself to believe that sexual assault was a “girl problem” and not something my boys would have to worry about. Recent headlines have proved my comfort misguided again and again.

In many ways, there rests a greater onus on us, boy parents, to make sure the world is a safer place for our girls. We are obligated to teach our boys accountability, even when no one is holding them accountable. We are obligated to teach our boys about consent, about boundaries and about respect. Perhaps just as importantly, we are obligated to teach our boys not to be bystanders.

When people hear I am a mother of three boys, they use adjectives like “crazy” and “wild” to describe what my sons must be like. They depict my boys as “full of energy” and “hard to control.” While the energy level of my young boys is undeniable, I am always hesitant to wholeheartedly subscribe. There is this underlying idea that their gender somehow renders then irrational and unable to regulate their behavior. I realize this kind of thinking is what contributes to our society’s failure to place accountability on our sons. As if their masculinity makes them incapable of thought or reason. It’s the same line of thinking that calls a presidential candidates musings about sexual assault “locker room talk” or informs a system that calls a young college student’s vicious rape of an unconscious woman behind a dumpster “20 minutes of action.”

I realize now that my misguided idea that I could be “less” worried about my boys when it comes to sexual assault was dangerous. In many ways, there rests a greater onus on us, boy parents, to make sure the world is a safer place for our girls. We are obligated to teach our boys accountability, even when no one is holding them accountable. We are obligated to teach our boys about consent, about boundaries and about respect. We are obligated to teach our boys about self-control and responsibility. Perhaps just as importantly, we are obligated to teach our boys not to be bystanders. We live in a society permissive of the objectification of women and steeped heavily in the culture of rape. Especially in our communities. Not only do I want to raise men who never perpetuate these crimes, I want them to be the type of men who actively stand up against them.

Now, as a mother, over a decade since I ran from that party in tears, I can’t help but wonder what conversations the mother of the man who assaulted me had with him when he was a boy. What conversations the mothers of the men who stood idly by and witnessed my fear had with them. What examples their fathers set and how they treated the women around them. I can’t help but wonder if it would have made a difference in the man they chose to be. If it would have spared me the stain of their memory. I know our children ultimately become adults with free will. They will inevitably make choices that are contrary to the lessons we have taught them. However, their free will doesn’t negate our obligation to try. We all bear the burden of changing the way women are viewed in this society. That task necessarily begins with doing a better job raising our boys.

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About The Author

Dedan Bruner, President of the DC Chapter of Concerned Black Men, on the Importance of Mentorship

I had my first mentor when I was 13. My mother was working as a Court Clerk in Queens Supreme Court in New York, and my elementary school was closer to her job than our home. Rather than take the multiple city bus rides it would take to get home, I took a ten minute bus ride to her job each day and waited in the chambers of the Judge she was working with until she got off. His name was Judge Kenneth Brown. While I’m sure his chambers were worthy of a man of his stature, all I remember was his small television and toaster. While he was on the bench, I would do my homework, watch television and call my friends on three-way (which was a big deal in the nineties). When he was in between cases, he would pop in and make us raisin toast while we talked about his life and his cases. He told me about having to send a picture in with his law school application and being denied repeatedly based on his race. He told me about the joy he felt when finally attaining his degree. He told me about being a single father to his daughter and working nights in the Post Office to pay for law school. He passed away years ago, and I doubt he would remember much about the skinny girl eating toast in his chambers. However, the time we spent together made a significant impact on my decision to go to law school and my dream to one day sit on a bench. The thing is, my mother had been working for the courts my whole life. I had been around lawyers and Judges but never close enough to hear their stories. Never close enough to envision myself doing the same thing. I remember thinking if he could achieve his dreams in the face of unimaginable setbacks, so can I. Mentorship can be a subtle influence in that way. It makes the impossible seem possible just by humanizing your dreams.

According to the National Mentoring Partnership, at-risk young adults are 55% more likely to enroll in college and 130% more likely to hold leadership positions if they have a mentor. A positive mentoring relationship can be life altering. Recently, I had the chance to chat with Dedan Bruner, Attorney and President of the D.C. Chapter of Concerned Black Men, an organization founded to fill the void of positive black male role models in our communities by providing mentors and programs that affirm psychological, academic and career enrichment. Mr. Bruner shared some of his experiences mentoring, his thoughts on the importance of mentorship, and how to make the difference in the life of a child.

Q. Tell us a little about yourself.

I am from Pasadena, California. I live in Washington, D.C. and I came to the area to attend Howard University in 1994 and have been here ever since.

Q. What do you do for a living?

I’m an attorney. I work at the D.C. Office of Human Rights where I investigate employment based complaints alleging discrimination and/or harassment.

Q. How would you define mentorship?

The act of assisting others through potential challenges and pitfalls in a given arena.

Q. Why did you decide to become a mentor?

It’s funny. I’ve always been an advocate of civic service, but I never felt comfortable becoming a mentor. My old excuse was that I didn’t feel like I’d be in D.C. long enough. After living in D.C. for about 15 years, a friend called me on my flawed logic and challenged me to get involved. I’m glad she did. I started mentoring through a program sponsored by the D.C. Chapter of Concerned Black Men (CBMDC) named Just Say Yes (JSY). JSY is a group based mentoring program for D.C. area boys aged 9-15. I started off as a visitor. A few years later, I stepped into a leadership role as the program chair and ultimately, President of CBMDC. Most importantly, I’m still a mentor.

Q. Did you have mentors growing up? If so, how did those relationships impact you?

I’ve been fortunate enough to have had several mentors along the way, but the experience I recount most was the mentor I had back in middle school. While I don’t remember the man’s name, I remember that he took me to my first Raiders game (I’m still a fan), and that he gave me a wallet for Christmas. I recall being disappointed when after inspecting it thoroughly, I learned that the wallet was empty. I have to remind myself of that story on the occasions that I may get frustrated that one of the young men I’m working with “doesn’t get it.” I’m proof that sometimes the lessons take a while to sink in.

Only perfect kids need perfect mentors.

Q. I’ve mentored young women at different phases in my life. Both in college and in law school, I was involved with mentorship programs that had active initiatives to recruit our men and other men of color to mentor because they had difficulty recruiting men of color. I am so excited to hear about Concerned Black Men and other initiatives led by black men. What, if anything, do you think is the deterrent to many of our men becoming mentors?

Great question. We hear [from] a lot [of] guys [that they] need to “get themselves together” before they can expect to help someone else. My response is usually, “only perfect kids need perfect mentors.” [Also], a lot of guys have said that they don’t have the time to mentor. Many D.C. programs only meet a few times a month (JSY meets twice). While the excuse is common, I try to refrain from refuting it because we make time for those things that we see value in. If someone tells us he doesn’t have the time to mentor, we thank him and keep it moving.

I have also heard “I don’t have anything to offer/teach,” to which I try to impart that a mentor’s job is not to be a teacher, or a coach or even a lead blocker in the game of life. A mentor’s job is just to be there, to assist in working on a problem, not to solve a mentee’s problem. A mentor is a friend who has been a little further down the road [and] is willing to share what they’ve learned.

In all, the greatest deterrent is the potential mentor himself. If he believes he has something of value to offer, he will. Sadly, the converse is true as well.

Mentoring sounds good in conversation with others, but if it’s not your thing, find other ways to give back. Potential mentors need to keep in mind that often those who they’ll be mentoring have been disappointed by the men in their lives. If you cannot commit at least a year, it may not be the right vehicle in which to give back.

Q. How do you become a mentor?

In our program, all mentors attend an interest meeting. At that meeting, we go over the program because we want to make sure that it’s a good fit for the mentor. For most it is, but some find that our program may not work for them. Taking the time to properly set expectations is critical to getting off on a good foot. Next, mentors fill out an application and get fingerprinted. We do a comprehensive background check. We are not of the belief that those who may have made mistakes in their past are not suited to mentor. However, individuals with a history of domestic violence and/or pedophilia are not a liability I’m willing to take. It may sound harsh, but the safety of the youth we work with is [at] the foundation [of] everything we do. After the background check comes back, the potential mentor is either approved to mentor or notified that his background check yielded results which make his participation in our program impossible.

Q. What are the qualities of a good mentor?

There is no perfect combination of qualities but some I look for are: 1) flexibility, 2) a good listener, 3) a person who doesn’t see his mentee as a victim or a charity case, 4) person not afraid to laugh at himself, 5) someone who is tolerant of other views and positions, and 5) most importantly, someone who is consistent and dependable.

Q. What would you say to someone hesitant about mentoring?

One of the great things about having a group mentoring program is that we allow visitors. That way, those who may have hesitation can visit a few sessions before deciding if the program is a good fit. Generally, I’d tell the person to challenge himself. After all, that is what we’re asking the boys to do. On the same token, I ask potential mentors to be honest with themselves. Mentoring sounds good in conversation with others, but if it’s not your thing, find other ways to give back. Potential mentors need to keep in mind that often those who they’ll be mentoring have been disappointed by the men in their lives. If you cannot commit at least a year, it may not be the right vehicle in which to give back.

Q. What do you do if you feel like your mentor/mentee relationship isn’t a good fit?

New mentoring relationships take time to cultivate. The first several times a mentee may respond with one word answers (their day was fine, their family is fine, and they had fine for dinner). That’s to be expected. Mentors, especially new mentors, should not be disheartened if it takes a while for a mentee to let you in their circle of trust. Being authentic and consistent are critical during this timeframe. If, it is ultimately determined that a fit doesn’t work, we may switch mentors.

New mentoring relationships take time to cultivate. The first several times a mentee may respond with one word answers (their day was fine, their family is fine, and they had fine for dinner). That’s to be expected. Mentors, especially new mentors, should not be disheartened if it takes a while for a mentee to let you in their circle of trust. Being authentic and consistent are critical during this timeframe.

Q. What has been your most memorable experience thus far?

It’s not a pleasant story. When I first took over as Program Chair, a mother told me not to tell her son to pull up his pants. We had a polite exchange of ideas. Her take was that telling him to pull them up just put extra emphasis on it and made it more of an issue and that if unaddressed, he’d eventually get tired of the fad and would pull them up. My position was that her son was someone the younger mentees looked up to and emulated. I did not want younger boys in our program picking up what we deemed bad habits. [In the end, she] remov[ed] her son from the program. Last year, she reached out to me because her son found himself in serious legal difficulty, and she needed people to write character references on his behalf. All I remember about the young man is the circumstances in which he left the program.

Q. What advice would you give to parents searching for mentors for their children?

I have a few tips:

Get involved. Statics show that youth programs are more successful when they have parent commitment and buy in.

Ask questions, give updates, and feedback. These are your kids, you should know what’s happening with them and you are [in the] best position to help us connect with your kids. If a boy got a part in a school play, hit the game winner, or if his favorite grandparent just passed away, these events can greatly impact a mentee’s mood. Giving us a head’s up helps mentors to better support the mentee.

Respect the mentor/mentee relationship. I tell parents and mentees alike that a mentor is not an extra set of parental ears. It’s not my job to report back. In fact, doing so can undermine the mentor/mentee relationship which should be built on trust and confidence. That said, I make it clear that if there was ever a threat of violence, I would not keep that confident. However, in a few cases where those situations have occurred, what I was able to do was facilitate the mentee sharing the information. That way the mentor/mentee bond is strengthened as well as the communication between parent and child.

I often get moms who say to me “I need a mentor for my son because a woman cannot raise a man.” I was raised by my mother, a grandmother and a gang of aunts so I don’t believe this. At the same time, it’s not my place to tell parents that they are wrong. What I [ask] in these instances is, what are the top things you want your son to learn? [Does the list include] integrity? Respect? Consideration? Self-Confidence? Good manners?Discipline? None of those characteristics are masculine or feminine. In fact, they’re some of the same things I want for my daughter. These are things that are best modeled at home and supported by the activities your son is involved in. We will do our very best to help in those efforts through programs that explore those and many other values.

Q. Any long term goals or dreams?

In the words of Big Boi, “ I just wanna sit back and watch my little girl blow bubbles.” For each of the last 6 years I’ve said it was my last year so that I can spend more time with my daughter. So far, I haven’t taken that step back. To the contrary, my mentees have met my daughter, and she knows when I’m going to “spend time with the guys.” Most of my mentees are living in single-parent, mom-led households; I think it’s important that they see me taking care of my daughter. Not because I’m good at it, to the contrary, I tell them about my many mishaps. My hope is that it sends a message that being a father [is] the act of rolling up your sleeves and making good on the commitment to the best you can for your child. Especially in those times [when] you’re scared and have no clue what you’re doing. I’ll step back one day, but as of right now, we’re having too much fun.

For more information about the D.C. Chapter of Concerned Black Men, visit: www.cbmdc.org, Instagram @cbmdc and Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ConcernedBlackMenDCChapter/. You can also visit the national website at http://cbmnational.org to find a chapter near you.

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About The Author

20 Affirmations for Expectant Mothers

There are so many beautiful things about pregnancy. Your child will never be closer to you and that fact can bring you peace. However, it’s easy to get lost in worry and “what ifs” if you allow yourself to give in to all that can go wrong. Here are twenty affirmations to repeat if you find yourself overwhelmed with doubt.

Dads, feel free to say them with your partners.

I am beautiful
I am safe.
I am protected.
I am strong.
I am worthy.
I am intuitive.
I am able.
I am growing.
I am confident.
I am vulnerable.
I am grateful.
I am happy.
I am healthy.
I am powerful.
I am peaceful.
I am rested.
I am responsible.
I am hydrated.
I am capable of love.
I am loved.

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About The Author

Faye McCray is an attorney by day and writer all the time. Her work has been featured on My Brown Baby, AfroPunk, AfroNews, For Harriet, Madame Noire, Black Girl Nerds, Black and Married with Kids, and other popular publications. Faye also has a number of short stories and a full length novel available for purchase on Amazon. Most importantly, Faye is a proud wife and mother to three beautiful and talented young boys who she is fiercely passionate about raising. You can find Faye on Twitter @fayewrites and on the web at fayemccray.com.

Meet Lynquay Sanford: Incredible Mom and Entrepreneur Who Returned to School to Pursue Her Dreams

My own mother’s choice to achieve her dreams not only changed the opportunities available to me and my brothers, it motivated me to pursue my own dreams. When I heard Lynquay Sanford’s story of similar fortitude and grit for her own children, I knew I had to talk to her to learn more.

When I was nine, my mother went back to school to pursue her Bachelor’s degree in Political Science. Just a few year earlier, she and my father went through a tough divorce, and she was left as the primary guardian of me and my two older brothers. Even as a kid, I understood the magnitude of her decision to go back to school. I knew she had to overcome naysayers, self-doubt and the financial uncertainty of pursuing a degree while working full-time and raising three kids. My own mother’s choice to achieve her dreams not only changed the opportunities available to me and my brothers, it motivated me to pursue my own dreams. When I heard Lynquay Sanford’s story of similar fortitude and grit for her own children, I knew I had to talk to her to learn more.

1. Tell us a little about yourself. Where are you from? Where do you live? How would people who know you describe you?

My name is Lynquay Sanford, and I was born and raised in Queens, NY. I currently reside in Wendell, NC. People would describe me as being very straight forward, funny, strong-willed, caring, loving, and a great friend and motivator. I am always open to new ideas. I am also a great mother to my children.

2.What made you decide to go back to school?

I opened a Family Child Care Home because I wasn’t satisfied with the child care centers in my area that my son attended. I wanted to learn more about how I can help preschool children and bring quality education to my Family Child Care Home. I started off by taking one class that is required to operate a Family Child Care Home. I liked it so much that I decided to pursue a degree in Early Childhood Education.

3. What were you doing before you decided to go back to school?

I was an EMT and I worked at a level one trauma center in Raleigh, NC dispatching helicopters and transport ambulances.

4. How did you prepare to get your degree? For example, internships, certifications, application process. How much time did it take?

I received my Associate’s degree in Early Childhood Education in December 2015. I will continue on to pursue my Bachelor’s degree in Early Care and Education and or Human Development and Family Service. What prepared me for this was operating my Family Child Care Home. I stepped out on faith and started my childcare business. It may take me three years to receive my Bachelor’s degree as I will be taking classes online and at my own pace. The cost of pursing any degree is expensive; however, I’ve graduated debt free because I had a scholarship to attend school. I will also be on a scholarship when I return to school the fall of 2017.

5. What do you plan to do with/have you done with your degree?

My plan is to expand my Child Care home and open a Child Care Center and or ½ day preschool.

“I was going through a very difficult divorce and working 7 days a week the last two years of me being in school. I’ve wanted to throw in the towel many times, but I couldn’t help but look at my children, especially my daughter, to show them no matter how tough life gets never give up.”

6. Who was your biggest inspiration? Mentors? Family? Friends?

I have so many people that have inspired me into going back to school. I was introduced to a group of ladies, all African American, who owned child care centers and family child care homes. They inspired me to stay in school and obtain my degree. My child care consultant also stayed on me to stay in school. I also come from a long line of strong black females, including my mother, grandmother and aunt, that inspired me to follow my dreams.

7. What was your biggest motivation? In other words, what kept you going?

My children kept me going. I also had the support of my mother and close friends who stepped in to help me with my children while I attended school at night.

8. Did you experience any setbacks? How did you overcome them?

Yes, I had many setbacks. I was going through a very difficult divorce and working 7 days a week the last two years of me being in school. I’ve wanted to throw in the towel many times but I couldn’t help but look at my children, especially my daughter, to show them no matter how tough life gets never give up. Just take your time pray about what you are going through and keep on moving. I tell them all the time that God does not give you or put you through anything he thinks you cannot handle.

9. If you had a chance to go back in time and speak to your 15 year old self, a) would she be surprised to see where you are now? b) what would you say to her?

Surprised? Yes! I thought I wanted to be a Veterinarian. I did not know anything about owning anything at that age. I would tell my 15 year old self to stay head strong and that she can do anything she puts her mind to. I would tell her that she is stronger than she thinks she is.

“Don’t let people change your mind or put doubt in your mind. Surround yourself with people who will push you and not distract you from pursing your dreams.”

10. What advice would you give to someone thinking about going back to school or going after any dream?

Do it. Don’t let people change your mind or put doubt in your mind. Surround yourself with people who will push you and not distract you from pursing your dreams. Surround yourself with people who will be honest with you when you have those weak moments from pursuing your dreams. Also, know that it will not be easy but if you want it bad enough, you can achieve it. Success does not happen overnight.

11. Any long term goals or dreams?

My long term goal is to stop working 7 days a week. My dream is to have several child care centers and half-day preschools that will service low income families and families with special needs children.

Check out Lynquay’s Family Child Care Home, Open Arms Daycare here.

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About The Author

25 Positive Affirmations For Parents

Though the ability to parent is a gift and a blessing, it can also be tough. It’s easy for self doubt to creep in which can leave you questioning your ability and worthiness. Say these 25 positive affirmations to get you on the right track.

I love my child.
I am loved.
I am strong.
I am reliable.
I am capable.
I am motivated by love in caring for my child.
I act in my child’s best interests.
I can manage my child’s needs.
I show my children I love them.
I enjoy my children.
I respect my children.
I challenge myself.
I am not afraid.
I am present.
I have good judgment.
I am intuitive.
I am consistent.
I am fair.
I am patient and calm.
I am worthy of self-care.
I am worthy of respect.
I am doing my best.
I am inspiring.
I am valued.
I am needed.

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About The Author

Faye McCray is an attorney by day and writer all the time. Her work has been featured on My Brown Baby, AfroPunk, AfroNews, For Harriet, Madame Noire, Black Girl Nerds, Black and Married with Kids, and other popular publications. Faye also has a number of short stories and a full length novel available for purchase on Amazon. Most importantly, Faye is a proud wife and mother to three beautiful and talented young boys who she is fiercely passionate about raising. You can find Faye on Twitter @fayewrites and on the web at fayemccray.com.

20 Life-Changing Quotes on Parenting

I didn’t know my capacity to love until I had my children. I didn’t know how fiercely I would fight to protect them. I didn’t know how motivated I would be to leave the world a better place. Parenting has inspired great thinkers, artists and activists past and present. Here are 20 quotes on parenting by some of the greats to give you inspiration and solidarity as you navigate rearing the loves of your lives.

I didn’t know my capacity to love until I had my children. I didn’t know how fiercely I would fight to protect them. I didn’t know how motivated I would be to leave the world a better place. Parenting has inspired great thinkers, artists and activists, past and present. Here are 20 quotes on parenting by some of the greats to give you inspiration and solidarity as you navigate rearing the loves of your lives.

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1. “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” – Frederick Douglass

2. “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you and though they are with you they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you for life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.” – Kahlil Gibran

3. “My most important title is still mom-in-chief. My daughters are still the heart of my heart and the center of my world.” – Michelle Obama

4. “Mother is a verb. It’s something you do. Not just who you are.” – Cheryl Lacey Donovan

5. “Your children need your presence more than your presents.” – Jesse Jackson

6. “The reality is that most of us communicate the same way that we grew up. That communication style becomes our normal way of dealing with issues, our blueprint for communication. It’s what we know and pass on to our own children. We either become our childhood or we make a conscious choice to change it.” – Kristen Crockett

7. “In a child’s eyes, a mother is a goddess. She can be glorious or terrible, benevolent or filled with wrath, but she commands love either way. I am convinced that this is the greatest power in the universe.” – N.K. Jemisin

8. “You don’t have favourites among your children, but you do have allies. ” – Zadie Smith

9. “When mother-cow is chewing grass its young ones watch its mouth” – Chinua Achebe

10. “To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow.” – Maya Angelou

11. “Black people love their children with a kind of obsession. You are all we have, and you come to us endangered.” – Ta-Nehisi Coates

12. “Loving someone as fiercely as my mom loves me must be like wearing your heart outside of your body with no skin, no bones, no nothing to protect it.” – Nicola Yoon

13. “The best thing she was, was her children.” – Toni Morrison

14. “Beautiful is the man who leaves a legacy that of shared love and life. It is he who transfers meaning, assigns significance and conveys in his loving touch the fine art and gentle shaping of a life. This man shall be called, Father.” – Stella Payton

15. “Behind every great man is a man greater, his father.” – Habeeb Akande

16. “The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving of ways.” – Unknown

17. “Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.” – W.E.B. DuBois

18. “Family doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be flawless. It doesn’t have to be what you had in mind. You can’t control it. But it is a gymnasium for love to work out in.” – Bishop T.D. Jakes

19. “I tried to be the greatest boxer in the world and a good parent, too. I had instant feedback on my success as a boxer. Often, parents don’t really know if what they are doing is right or wrong until their child is grown and it is too late to change any of the decisions. Whatever my failings as a parent, I am very proud of all my children. It wasn’t easy for them to make their own way with such a controversial and public father.” – Muhammad Ali

20. “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” – James Baldwin

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About The Author

Let’s Talk About Discipline

I am constantly questioning my discipling decisions. I want to raise strong men and in doing so, it is important to me they understand the consequences of poor decisions. Here are five things I have learned to ask myself when deciding whether I made the right choice.

I am constantly questioning my discipling decisions. I want to raise strong men and in doing so, it is important to me they understand the consequences of poor decisions. I want to get it right so I can prepare them to make better choices in the future. Here are five things I have learned to ask myself when deciding whether I made the right choice:

1. Was my decision made in love?

My father passed away this year and at his funeral I told a story about the last whooping he gave me. It began after my sister dared me to stick my head in between the iron bars on a staircase in our childhood home and stupidly, I accepted. To make a long story short, it involved Herculean strength from my father, Country Crock butter, screaming from my mother, lots of crying (mostly from me), and finally, a spanking.

While I remember very little about the pain of the spanking, I remember how scared everyone was around me, including my father. Although my father could have chosen a different approach to disciplining me, the spanking was calculated. He wanted me to understand the severity of my actions and never do it again. He acted out of fear but he also acted out of love. Sometimes we react emotionally to our children’s behavior. That is okay. As long as we take a moment to make sure they understand the action we are taking is also in love.

2. Did I include my co-parent in my decision?

When my eldest son was younger, I would get upset with him for talking to his mother about “man” things. I felt certain conversations were not appropriate for him to have with his mom, and I would tell him as much when we were in private. My wife hated this because she wants our sons to feel like there is nothing they can not speak to her about. By making it seem wrong to talk to their mother about certain subjects, I was limiting their relationship with their mom.

Everyone disagrees at some point while raising kids. However, in most situations, it is safe to assume that both you and your co-parent have the best interests of your children at heart. My wife understood I was doing what I thought was best. However, we had to come to an agreement to ensure our boys grow into emotionally healthy young men. Although it would be unrealistic to discuss every action you take with your spouse, it is paramount you check in regularly to make sure you stay on the same team.

3. Am I taking advantage of teachable moments?

I cringe when I attempt to resolve a frustrating moment with my boys by yelling, “Because I said so!” That phrase doesn’t do anything to help my boys understand the reason why they should do the right thing. My goal as a parent is to raise extraordinary men of good character. I don’t help them get there if I am just asking for rote actions without purpose. That would only last as long as I am in front of them.

In each mistake, there is an opportunity to learn. Although discipline is important, be sure to take the time to explain to your children why they are being punished. Help them understand the mistake they made and why it is important to make a different choice next time.

4. Was the punishment just?

As father of three, I’d like to be fair. However, I have learned that fairness isn’t always guaranteed. As an example, when my children fight. My eldest always faces tougher consequences because as the oldest and largest, he has the potential to really hurt his younger sibling. While my eldest may rail against the fact that I am being harsher with him, the reality is that the circumstances warrant it.

When I discipline my sons, I try to assess the circumstances and react accordingly. Being just as a parent does not mean you have the exact same answer for every situation; it means you make the best choice based on the situation.

5. Knowing what I know now, would I do it again?

My children are incredibly inquisitive. As a result, they are constantly challenging boundaries. It is a gift and a curse. We want our sons to question the world around them. At the same time, it would be much easier on my wife and I if they didn’t question everything. I’ve been guilty of punishing my children out of frustration. However, if I send my son to his room and when he returns, we are both questioning why I sent him, then that was probably not the right move.

As of this writing, I have been a dad for a little over nine years. I have made about 10,043 mistakes. While I am proud of the job I do as dad, I have had moments where I could have been better. I think its crucial to our growth as parents to constantly ask yourself, if faced with the same decision tomorrow, would I take the same action?

***

About The Author

Rick McCray is a married father of three amazing sons. He is also a proud graduate of Duke University where he holds a BA in History and African/African American History, and Howard University School of Law. He is also a regular commentator on the In The Black podcast. Rick is passionate about our history and helping to educate our community concerning the great contributions of people of color to the world. You can find Rick on Twitter @RealRickMcCray.

Be Good to Your Daughters

While the myth of the absent black father has been debunked again and again, it doesn’t negate the reality that some dads could be doing much better by their daughters.

In 2003, recording artist John Mayer won the Grammy Award for Song of the Year for his song “Daughters.” In it, Mayer paints a somber picture of girls with father issues navigating relationships as adults. He warns, “on behalf of every man, looking out for every girl, you are the God and weight of her world… so fathers, be good to your daughters.” At the time, there were few things that annoyed me more than John Mayer (he was EVERYWHERE) but it was impossible to deny the truth in the song. This year, Kelly Clarkson brought millions of people (including herself… and me) to tears when singing an acoustic version of her song, “Piece by Piece,” an emotional song reflecting on her disappointment with her own father.

I was reminded of these songs last night when I caught the tail end of Iyanla Vanzant’s reality show, Fix My Life. The show focused on rehabilitating the so-called “Angry Black Woman.” While the episode was everything you would expect, one theme rang true, so many of the women who were featured had issues that began with disappointment in their fathers.

While the myth of the absent black father has been debunked again and again, it doesn’t negate the reality that some dads could be doing much better by their daughters. My parents divorced when I was six and while my father was always present, it was impossible to ignore the void his physical absence left me with. Luckily, I had two brothers, ten and twelve years older than me, who stepped up in ways he could not. As I grew into a young lady and chose my spouse, here are some of things being loved by them taught me I needed.

1918698_595632315990_5325370_n — My brothers and I at my wedding in 2006. (c) Faye McCray

1. Be honest.

One of the more priceless lessons my eldest brother taught me was to recognize the humanity in the adults in my life. It may seem like a simple lesson but when you’re a child, you tend to see your parents and other adults in your life as superhuman. I think thats why it is so difficult to recover from childhood disappointment. My brother was careful to dismantle the pedestal I put the adults in my life on… even him. That way when they disappointed me, it didn’t crush me.

One of the most important things you can do for your daughter is be honest. Don’t attempt to be superhuman by hiding your flaws or masking your vulnerability. Admit when you made a mistake. Admit when you lied. Tell her the truth even if it may hurt her. Your honesty will help your daughter see you as a whole person. That way when you disappoint her, and you will, she will recognize your humanity and not just see you as a liar.

2. Stand by your word.

My kids are constantly begging for things. “Mommy, can we go here…” “Mommy, can we do this…” Sometimes its easier to say, “Later” than “No” even if I know that saying “No” is inevitable. The thing is, if you are constantly promising one thing and doing another, it won’t be long before your words means nothing.

In the words of Melania Trump… or First Lady Michelle Obama, “Your word is your bond.” If you say your going to be there, be there. If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you aren’t sure you will be able to do either of those things, be honest about it. Nothing stings worst to a young woman than disappointment. You want your daughter to be able to rely on you and expect the same from the man she may choose to be with.

3. Tell her she is beautiful.

I had my fair share of awkward phases during adolescence. I had a gangly rail-thin phase, a pimply phase, and a phase where my belly always poked out from under my shirt, no matter how hard I tried to suck it in. Like most girls, it wasn’t always easy feeling secure in my body. Some days, it felt like I would never learn to love myself, let alone find someone to love me.

Young girls are fragile. Especially girls of color. Growing up, we are hard pressed to find images of ourself where we are symbols of beauty or the object of someone’s affection. As a father, you have a unique ability to make your daughter feel beautiful. You are your daughters first representative of the opposite sex. Tell her you enjoy her smile, that the new color she painted her toes is cute, that she looks even more beautiful after browning in the sun. Feeling beautiful in your Dad’s eyes, even if just his, can make all the difference in how you cope with the many phases of adolescent insecurity.

4. Don’t hit her.

This is pretty self explanatory, though, I know it may be controversial. However, as a society that condemns all forms of domestic violence, I think it’s important to teach our daughters early that a man should never lay his hands on her in anger. By saying it’s okay for fathers to hit their daughters in certain circumstances, I think we dangerously blur the line about whether it’s okay for a man to hit a woman. If you tell your daughter no man is allowed to put his hands on her, show her you mean it by doing the same.

5. Treat other women the way you want to see men treat her. Especially her mother.

Whether you are married, divorced or single, your daughter will see the way you treat the women in your life as an indication of how she should expect men to treat her. If you are constantly disrespecting women, bad-mouthing her mother or womanizing, if will be difficult for her to build a foundation of trust with a man in the future because she will constantly worry he will turn into you; or worse, she will expect him to. It’s hard enough navigating adulthood without entering it with trust issues.

If you can’t curb your womanizing ways, avoid exposing your daughter to your behavior. Don’t bring multiple women around her. Where possible, avoid bad-mouthing her mother in her presence. Save your complaints for another adult. Your daughter (or any child) is never an appropriate audience for this kind of behavior.

6. Enjoy her company.

My eldest brother used to pick me up from elementary school so we could ride the city bus home from school. It was in the age of Kangols and boomboxes, and he would insist on sitting in the back of the bus with music blasting. Despite his efforts to be cool, little me didn’t get the memo. I would dance and act silly until it broke his facade and he was laughing right along with me. I was too young to remember every detail of those moments, but what I do remember is how good it felt that my company was enjoyed. As I grew older, I was confident that other people would enjoy my company too. Even if I was a little weird.

With your own daughter, laugh at her jokes. Find joy in the things she does. If your time with her is limited, find things to do that keep you two engaged. Don’t just plop her in front of a television or a movie and babysit her, spend actual time with her. Find things to do together that allow you the opportunity to get to know who she is. That will give her more confidence that she is someone worth getting to know.

7. Tell her you love her.

My nineties kids will likely remember that old Brownstone song, “If You Love Me.” The chorus begins, “If you love me, say it.” While the song is about romantic love, that line always stuck with me. I think it stuck with me because saying I love you has never been easy for me to say unless I mean it. My husband, then-boyfriend, was the first to say I love you. To this day, we laugh at the memory because initially, I didn’t say it back, and his response was, “You know you love me too.” While he was probably right, the words meant a lot to me. I didn’t want to say it until I was sure I meant it. Today, he couldn’t stop me from saying it if he tried.

Just as much as saying the words matter, hearing them matter too. While arguably, showing you love someone is better, you can do both. Tell your daughter you love her so she never has a reason to question whether you do. If you can’t muster saying the words, write them. Those three words are too important to be left untold.

8. Don’t walk away.

No matter how hard things get with her mother or how difficult her teenage years are on you, never walk away from your daughter. Fight to stay present and in her life. Even if the complexities of teen angst stop her from wanting to talk to you or make her hard to be around, never stop trying. Love her unconditionally. Show her she is worthy of unconditional love.

About The Author

Best of the Worst: Kid’s Meals at Your Favorite Chain Restaurant

From Chili’s to Olive Garden, here are the best and worst options at 6 of the most popular restaurant chains.

Here we go again! Despite my best intentions, eating out is often inevitable for my family. With two kids and another on the way, I’ve learned to cut myself some slack when I am not able to serve home cooked meals everyday. However, with nutritional info often buried on websites and in secret books, it isn’t always easy to make informed decisions when making choices for my children. I did some digging to make it easier for all of us! From Chili’s to Olive Garden, here are the best and worst options at 6 of the most popular restaurant chains.

Note: According to the Centers for Disease Control and the American Heart Association, kids should have between 19-30g of sugar per day and 1,500mg of sodium per day. Children ages 4 to 8 need 33 to 78 grams of fat daily; kids ages 9 to 13 require 39 to 101 grams of fat daily. Sources of healthy, unsaturated dietary fats for children include vegetable oils, purified omega-3 oils, avocados, olives, peanut butter, nuts and seeds. Saturated, unhealthy fats are found in high-fat meats, lard, butter, cream, ice cream and full-fat dairy products, such as whole milk and cheese. The options below were measured by calories, fat, sodium and sugar content. It did not include a review of artificial ingredients or other chemicals used in the making of these foods. Many of these options, when combined, exceed recommended daily intake for sodium, sugar and/or fat. As always, use your best judgment when making choices for your children!

1. Chili’s

BEST: Grilled Chicken Platter, 160cal, 4g of fat, 690mg of sodium, 31g of protein with a side of celery sticks or steamed broccoli and to drink: Water or Cranberry Juice 80cal, 20g of sugar

WORST: Pepperoni Pizza, 34g of fat, 1250mg of sodium and 8g of sugar and Homestyle Fries, 190cal, 8g of fat, 710mg of sodium, Kid’s Float 330cal, 10g of fat, 63g of sugar

2. Applebees

BEST: Kid’s 4oz Sirloin, 140cal, 6g of fat, 180mg of sodium, 23g of protein; Side: Applesauce, 40cal, 8g of sugar; Chicken Griller is a good alternative at 4g of fat but has 760mg of sodium; Drink: Water or Milk 1%, 110cal, 2.5g of fat, 12g of sugar

WORST: Kid’s Grilled Cheese, 640cal, 32g of fat, 2080mg of sodium, 42g of protein; Side: Fries 430cal, 20g of fat, 970mg of sodium; To drink: Oreo Cookie Shake, 820cal, 39g of fat, 460mg of sodium and 74g of sugar;

3. TGIF Friday’s

BEST: Pasta & Marinara, 240cal, 150mg of sodium, 9g of protein, 2g of fat; side: Side Salad or fruit cup, to drink: Water or Kid’s Crush Strawberry Lemonade, 60cal, 15g of sugar.

WORST: Kid’s Sliders, 470cal, 31g of fat, 1290mg of sodium; Side: Seasoned Fries, 320cal, 16g of fat, 1010mg of sodium; Drink: Kid’s Chocolate Milk, 230cal, 3.5g saturated fat, 36g of sugar, 135mg of sodium

4. Pizzeria Uno’s

BEST: Kid’s Pasta, 300cal, 3g of fat, 280mg of sodium, 8g of sugar, 11g of protein; Side: Carrots and Cucumbers, 60cal, 80mg of sodium, 7g of sugar; Water or Non-Carbonated Drink

WORST: Chicken Pops, 970cal, 42g of fat, 55g of sugar, 2130mg of sodium; Side: French Fries, 350cal, 27g of fat, 1190mg of sodium; To drink: Chocolate Cookie Freezer, 480cal, 14g of fat, 83g of sugar.

5. Cheesecake Factory

BEST: Kid’s Roadside Sliders, 390cal, 5g Saturated Fat, 620mg Sodium; Side: Kid’s Fresh Fruit; To Drink: Water or Milk

WORST: Kid’s Pasta with Alfredo Sauce, 1250cal, 55g Saturated Fat, 784mg Sodium; Kid’s French Fries, 270cal, 2g Saturated Fat, 1228mg sodium

*Cheesecake Factory info was incredibly difficult to uncover. While a large majority of the menu information is available on the website, the kids meal information is notably absent. According to Calorie Lab, this info is available in a booklet upon request inside their locations.

6. Olive Garden

BEST: Kid’s Grilled Chicken, 490cal, 11g fat, 710mg sodium, 34g protein; Side: Steamed Broccoli; To Drink: Water or 1% Milk

WORST: Cheese Ravioli 340cal, 16g fat, 990mg sodium, 17g Protein, To Drink: Raspberry Lemonade, 100 cal, 28g of sugar

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About The Author

5 Things You Can Give Your Kids (Besides Money) To Show You Love Them

As good parents we are constantly evaluating how our children are doing and how our parenting is helping to provide a supportive environment that lets our kids grow. It’s easy to feel inadequate. Here are 5 things I’ve learned can show my love when I feel like I am falling short.

by Rick McCray

Being a parent is hard. One moment you think you are doing everything correctly and the next minute you feel like an unfair dictator. As good parents we are constantly evaluating how our children are doing and how our parenting is helping to provide a supportive environment that lets our kids grow. It’s easy to feel inadequate. Here are 5 things I’ve learned can show my love when I feel like I am falling short.

1. Wisdom

My mother has wonderful stories. My favorite times growing up were sitting with her and my sister at the kitchen table while she told a story from her past. I learned that she and one of her brothers would go to the woods in her hometown in North Carolina and pretend to be Tarzan by swinging on actual vines, running around, and yelling as loud as they could. I learned that pigs actually bark similarly to dogs and female pigs are so protective of their babies that they become violent to anyone that comes near them. I learned that my grandmother began to cook for her whole family at 4 years old and that sense of responsibility was taught to my mother and her six siblings. Through telling stories about her life, my mother was teaching me that my young life was somehow connected to a rich history of wonderful people.

“Our lived experience can serve as a constant fountain of knowledge for our children.”

Our lived experience can serve as a constant fountain of knowledge for our children. The trick is knowing how to share our lived experience with our children in a helpful manner that keeps them listening without feeling talked down to. Sharing what we know allows our children another viewpoint to consider when they are called upon to make important life choices. At some point every child must walk alone. However, during that walk we can help our children take all their experiences with them, whether lived or learned from others.

2. Honesty

My father, who passed away this year, was brutally honest. He would give me his thoughts on any subject whether I wanted them or not. Sometimes, I would seek out his advice because I knew he would tell me the truth as he saw it. When I was about ten I could not shake the feeling that something was wrong with the whole Santa Claus scenario. All the shows I watched and pictures I saw made him out to be this huge fat man who came into houses through chimneys. It just didn’t add up that a fat guy could come down our chimney on Christmas Eve without any of us hearing him.

I decided to ask my father because I knew he would tell me the truth. I approached him and asked, “Is Santa Claus real?” He looked at me with a puzzled look and almost laughed, “No, your mother and I get you that stuff.” I was so relieved that I knew the truth and could stop being paranoid about Santa sneaking into our home.

Being honest with our children about life is a gift that will continually bless them. When a child knows that he can ask us a question and get a truthful answer, that means the level of trust we share grows immensely. He is more likely to be honest with us if he knows that we value and practice dealing in truth. Dishonesty is a trait we see from too many of our politicians, religious and business leaders. A child is more likely to come to us for advice or at least a different take on a situation when he knows we won’t have a hidden agenda to bend the truth. Honesty from a parent gives a child another source of reliable information in their life.

3. Vulnerability

When I was about eleven, my paternal grandfather passed away. My family went to Philadelphia for his funeral. After the funeral we were all in a hotel room together when my father started crying. He was laying on the bed and I was beside him and he gave me a big hug and cried. I remember laying on his chest with his arm around me and feeling safe and loved. I knew he was going through terrible pain about the death of his dad, but as his son, I was just happy to be close to him like that – no matter the circumstance.

“When we stand on a pedestal of constant perfection, it only gives us a longer way to fall.”

Often, we want our kids to see us as superheroes. However, the really good superhero stories involve the hero showing his humanity and vulnerability. When our children see us show real emotion and show that we also need people, it allows them to see us as people. No one is perfect. When we stand on a pedestal of constant perfection, it only gives us a longer way to fall. In addition, if our children think of us as an impossible standard to live up to, that can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy in them. Don’t be afraid to be human.

4. Quality Time

When I was in high school, I practiced debate. My team would travel around North Carolina competing at different high schools. During one trip my mother agreed to be a judge for “Dramatic Interpretation,” which was a debate competition where students would act out a portion from a contemporary or older dramatic play or book. This wasn’t a category of debate that I participated in, so I was able to sneak in when I wasn’t competing and watch my mother judge other competitors. There were people who were sad, angry, hilarious, and intense. Everyone brought their “A” game, and they all seemed like actual actors who could be on television or the big screen. My mother loved it and talked about her volunteer day for years afterwards. I loved it because I got to see my mother take a genuine interest in something I loved.

Time is the one thing that we can never replenish. Spending quality time with our children – listening to them, playing with them, and going on adventures with them by our side are some of the most fulfilling things we will do as a parents. Think about the people you loved that you have lost in your life. All you have left of them is your memories together. Each day that goes by without them makes those memories sweeter and more important. Personally, I want to spend as much time as I can with my children so when I’m gone they have a massive bank of positivity to pull from when remembering me.

5. Patience

My sons take their time when they eat. My oldest son will eat his food, tiny bite by tiny bite, while picking at every crumb on his plate. He will have 1/10th of a sandwich left and will nibble and nibble at it until it is finally gone. My youngest son likes to talk and eat, so he will tell me about a story of some kid in his class, take a bite, then tell me about a cartoon he was watching. He may even mix in a few hummed bars from a song he heard. A breakfast that should have taken 15 minutes, ends up taking closer to 45 minutes. During morning walks to school, my oldest picks up every acorn. My youngest has to say hello to every bug. Cute as it is, when we are rushing, this can try every fiber of my patience.

“We must respect our children as new soul travelers on this planet who need to take their time with everything that is exciting and new.”

Our children test our patience every day. Yet patience is what children need almost more than anything else. When my patience is tried, I remind myself that my children are younger than me by a multiple. They are learning this big, new world one morsel at a time. We must respect our children as new soul travelers on this planet who need to take their time with everything that is exciting and new. Be patient, be patient, be patient (I’m saying it to remind myself as well). If necessary, allow yourself the extra time to accomplish errands or get to school/work. They have all of adulthood to rush.

***

About The Author

Rick McCray is a married father of three amazing sons. He is also a proud graduate of Duke University where he holds a BA in History and African/African American History, and Howard University School of Law. He is a regular commentator on the In The Black podcast. Rick is passionate about our history and helping to educate our community concerning the great contributions of people of color to the world. You can find Rick on Twitter @RealRickMcCray.

For Dads: How to Get More Involved With Your Children

Here are a few great tips on getting more involved in your children’s lives.

by Rick McCray

As men, too often we allow the women in our lives to take care of the details of home life including almost everything that has to do with the children. This attitude can be burdensome to your wives, and it also impedes your ability to create meaningful relationships with your children. FEAR NOT! Here are a few great tips on getting more involved in your children’s lives.

1. Play with your children.

Personally, when I get in from work, my mind is still racing with the events of the day. I also run my own business so as soon as I walk in the door, I start planning all the things I still need to do. It’s often challenging to slow myself down enough to engage with my children. However, as soon as I get home, they are the first to greet me and playing is the first thing they want to do.

In television mogul Shonda Rhimes‘s 2016 Ted Talk, she related a story of feeling stressed and pressed for time when one of her daughters asked her to play. Although everything in her screamed “No,” she challenged herself to say “Yes” instead. Albeit challenging at first, while playing with her daughter, she was surprised at how much fun she had. She learned to relax, listen and be engaged. She was also surprised to find how play time focused her own mind. I find the same to be true. Play time with my children challenges me to slow down. It also encourages my children’s creativity and strengthens our relationship with each other.

2. Include your child in your hobbies.

I admit that I am not “Mr. Handyman.” However, I have a neighbor who I am convinced could build a car from scratch. Every weekend, he is under the hood of a car turning a seeming hunk of junk into a functioning automobile. He also does the most amazing thing at least once a month. He is out there with one of his kids showing them exactly what he is doing, letting them work on a certain part of the car, and most importantly bonding with them.

Although I am not a car guy, what I learned from him is to share my hobbies with my kids. Your kids (especially if they are older) may not show interest in your hobby, but they will appreciate the fact that you are doing something you love with them. Instead of secluding yourself from the family every time you want to play your music, you can let your kids listen in on your jam sessions. If you were raised in the nineties like me, you can even show them the real running man! Even if they are laughing at you, it’s still time you will both remember.

The only caveat is to remain engaged with your child while you enjoy your hobby. Turning on a football game and demanding quiet is not a way to really bond with your child. Talk to your kid about the teams, the players, and the rules of the game, and listen to their thoughts. Allow them to feel like you are enjoying them as much as your hobby.

3. Get Involved in your child’s school.

Although I work full time outside of my home, I try to take advantage of volunteer opportunities wherever possible. Whether it be volunteering to chaperone a class trip, allowing myself the extra time to walk my children to school on a nice day, or popping by my son’s kindergarten class for lunch, I find my sons’ (and their teachers) appreciate my time at their schools. I also coordinate the WATCH D.O.G.S. (Dads of Great Students) program for my sons’ elementary school. The program, started by the National Center for Fathering, is a way for men to have an impact at their child’s school by volunteering one day out of the academic year. These men are fathers, stepfathers, uncles and other father figures who volunteer and serve a variety of functions while at the school, including, being engaged in every aspect of your child’s academic day. I find reserving one day a year to commit to volunteering at your child’s school is rarely burdensome, even in the most demanding jobs. If you don’t have a WATCH D.O.G.S. program at your school and you are interested please contact the organization here.

4. Read with your children.

LeVar Burton, the famous actor and host of Reading Rainbow, once said that, “I think reading is part of the birthright of the human being.” The importance of literacy and exposing children to language and the written word cannot be overstated. By reading with your children you expose them to a world of literacy that will last for them until their last days. When you point out context clues about the reading and get them to name the colors they see in the picture, you keep them engaged in the book as active listeners/readers.

The more you read with your kids the more they will love to read. Find out what your kids enjoy to read and read it with them. If you can’t physically read with them, then agree to read the same book separately and then discuss it with them the next time you see them or talk with them. This way you and your child can stay connected and you can know you are benefitting your child’s education.

5. Spend one on one time with your children.

I have two sons (and one on the way). Every other Saturday, we have “man-time”(so named by my wife). What started off as our biweekly trips to the barbershop, turned into haircuts, lunch and shooting hoops at our local Y. I have to admit, I was anxious initially. Like most children their age, my boys are insane. Often it takes both my wife and I to reign them. However, as they have gotten older, I have found we all enjoy the time. We eat foods my wife doesn’t like, talk about “man things”, and spend quality time that is uniquely ours. I know I am building a foundation that will encourage a strong relationship through adulthood.

If you don’t have sons, don’t underestimate one on one time with your daughters. Do things she enjoys and listen to her. That time will set the foundation for how she expects a man to treat her.

***

About The Author

Rick McCray is a married father of three amazing sons. He is also a proud graduate of Duke University where he holds a BA in History and African/African American History, and Howard University School of Law. He is a regular commentator on the In The Black podcast. Rick is passionate about our history and helping to educate our community concerning the great contributions of people of color to the world. You can find Rick on Twitter @RealRickMcCray.

1. Kids.gov

2. Scholastic News

3. TIME for Kids

4. PBSKids.org You Choose 2016

About The Author

About The Author

Q. Tell us a little about yourself.

Q. What do you do for a living?

Q. How would you define mentorship?

Q. Why did you decide to become a mentor?

Q. Did you have mentors growing up? If so, how did those relationships impact you?

Only perfect kids need perfect mentors.

Q. How do you become a mentor?

Q. What are the qualities of a good mentor?

Q. What would you say to someone hesitant about mentoring?

Q. What do you do if you feel like your mentor/mentee relationship isn’t a good fit?

Q. What has been your most memorable experience thus far?

Q. What advice would you give to parents searching for mentors for their children?

Q. Any long term goals or dreams?

About The Author

I am beautiful

I am safe.

I am protected.

I am strong.

I am worthy.

I am intuitive.

I am able.

I am growing.

I am confident.

I am vulnerable.

I am grateful.

I am happy.

I am healthy.

I am powerful.

I am peaceful.

I am rested.

I am responsible.

I am hydrated.

I am capable of love.

I am loved.

About The Author

1. Tell us a little about yourself. Where are you from? Where do you live? How would people who know you describe you?

2.What made you decide to go back to school?

3. What were you doing before you decided to go back to school?

4. How did you prepare to get your degree? For example, internships, certifications, application process. How much time did it take?

5. What do you plan to do with/have you done with your degree?

“I was going through a very difficult divorce and working 7 days a week the last two years of me being in school. I’ve wanted to throw in the towel many times, but I couldn’t help but look at my children, especially my daughter, to show them no matter how tough life gets never give up.”

6. Who was your biggest inspiration? Mentors? Family? Friends?

7. What was your biggest motivation? In other words, what kept you going?

8. Did you experience any setbacks? How did you overcome them?

9. If you had a chance to go back in time and speak to your 15 year old self, a) would she be surprised to see where you are now? b) what would you say to her?

“Don’t let people change your mind or put doubt in your mind. Surround yourself with people who will push you and not distract you from pursing your dreams.”

10. What advice would you give to someone thinking about going back to school or going after any dream?

11. Any long term goals or dreams?

About The Author

I love my child.

I am loved.

I am strong.

I am reliable.

I am capable.

I am motivated by love in caring for my child.

I act in my child’s best interests.

I can manage my child’s needs.

I show my children I love them.

I enjoy my children.

I respect my children.

I challenge myself.

I am not afraid.

I am present.

I have good judgment.

I am intuitive.

I am consistent.

I am fair.

I am patient and calm.

I am worthy of self-care.

I am worthy of respect.

I am doing my best.

I am inspiring.

I am valued.

I am needed.