Tag: racism

Are You Okay?

With the filming of police violence, the divisive and dangerous rhetoric soundtracking the 2016 election, and the flooding of microaggressions sneaking their way into mainstream media, the current sociopolitical climate can be exhausting. Often our social media news feeds are a reflection of all that is wrong in the world. When is the last time you asked yourself, “Am I okay?”

by Faye McCray

With the filming of police violence, the divisive and dangerous rhetoric soundtracking the 2016 election, and the flooding of microaggressions sneaking their way into mainstream media, the current sociopolitical climate can be exhausting.  Often our social media news feeds are a reflection of all that is wrong in the world. When is the last time you asked yourself, “Am I okay?”

I’ll never forget picking up my phone the morning after Philando Castille was murdered and watching what would be his final moments.  I was still under the covers, barely awake, and crying helplessly into my pillow.  Just a few hours later, I would be seeing my husband off to work and my two sons off to camp.  I wondered if I had the strength to let them go knowing the dangers that could await them.  Everything in me wanted to stay in bed, nestled beside my husband in the comfort of knowing that he and our children were safe. I was wary of the time we were living in, the strange world and the motivations of the people in it. I was also pregnant. I couldn’t help but wonder what burdens I was placing on my unborn son, just by being alive.

Needless to say, that wasn’t a positive way to start a morning.

Clinical psychologist and Director of the Center for Mental Health Disparities at the University of Louisville, Monnica Williams says, “Graphic videos,” which she calls vicarious trauma, “combined with lived experiences of racism, can create severe psychological problems reminiscent of post-traumatic stress syndrome.”  Dr. Williams studies the link between racism and post-traumatic stress disorder, which is known as race-based traumatic stress injury, or the emotional distress a person may feel after encountering racial harassment or hostility.

Parenting in this climate undoubtedly adds another level of stress and anxiety.  In addition to shouldering the average parental worries, as parents of kids of color, we also have to worry about how our children will be perceived when occupying certain spaces in their brown bodies.  It took me awhile to confront the fact that I was suffering the emotional toll of race-based trauma and significantly, that it was affecting how I loved and parented.  Here are a few steps we can take to ease our anxiety while parenting in the age of vicarious trauma:

1. Turn it off.

I used to get CNN alerts on my phone. They would come through by way of text message with uppercase headlines that were 99.9% negative.  They would jolt me out of my day.  There was another shooting.  Another person not held accountable.  Another dismal poll about the state of human existence.  I thought being informed somehow raised my level of consciousness.  Someone would ask,”Did you hear?” And I could respond, “Sure did.” And I had an opinion about it.

While there is nothing wrong with remaining informed, there is also nothing wrong with doing so in moderation. Based on the headline, I was running the gamut between anger, fear and tears in a single afternoon.  I had to recognize the emotional toll those alerts were taking on me and disable them.  I chose instead to check media outlets in my own time when I was in a safe space free to think in terms of solutions and not just outrage.  For me, that also included social media.  I gave myself permission to unfollow certain people on Facebook, and significantly, I gave myself permission to not watch every video.  I had to be honest with myself about my own sensitivity.  It was hard for me to rebound from watching someone killed. It stayed with me and in my consciousness for days.  I had to put myself first and that’s okay.

2. Find support.

Self-care is crucial to dealing with any trauma. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating enough? Are you taking time out for yourself? Are you talking about it? Sometimes it helps to talk to other parents who are grappling with similar anxiety about navigating the current sociopolitical climate.  You feel less alone in your worry and that can bring you peace.  I remember how good the embrace of a friend felt after hearing about Tamir Rice.  That support and solidarity is crucial to navigating these difficult times.

If you find your worry goes beyond a friendly ear, don’t be afraid to seek the help of a professional.  Some of us have emotional needs that require more regular assistance in processing the world around us.

3. Be present in your reality.

I live less than an hour away from Baltimore.  In the middle of the riots before charges were brought in the Freddie Gray case, I remember feeling a sense of heightened vigilance. I was on guard in every encounter, wary of every interaction and filled with worry and anxiety.

In those situations, I have learned to remind myself to be present.  Take a deep breath and ask yourself: Right now, am I safe? Are my children safe? Are the people I love safe? Living in the age we live in, it easy to take on every experience as your own.  While it is important to be empathetic, it is crucial that we don’t get lost in the emotional turmoil of shouldering another person’s burden.  It is okay to take a step back and remind yourself of your reality.  That will give you a clearer head to think in terms of solutions.

4. Brainstorm solutions.

And speaking of solutions, I find the best way to ease my anxiety is to figure out what I can do to make a change.  Remember the serenity prayer? God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  While we can’t solve every problem, we can certainly find small ways to contribute to a solution.  From  getting more involved in your child’s school or community to facilitating honest, productive dialogue in diverse settings to donating to advocacy groups fighting for the change you seek, we all have the power to become more active in the fight for justice. Outrage is rarely a solution.  Updating your status or changing your profile picture on Facebook or Twitter is not a solution. I find nothing beats the fulfillment of taking affirmative steps towards a solution.

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About The Author

Faye McCray is anMcCray_AuthorPhoto (1) attorney by day and writer all the time. Her work has been featured on My Brown Baby, AfroPunk, AfroNews, For Harriet, Madame Noire, Black Girl Nerds, Black and Married with Kids, and other popular publications.  Faye also has a number of short stories and a full length novel available for purchase on Amazon.  Most importantly, Faye is a proud wife and mother to three beautiful and talented young boys who she is fiercely passionate about raising.

How to Confront Bias in the Classroom

While as adults, we learn to sweep powerless microaggressions under the rug, when it comes to our children, these behaviors, especially in the educational system, can be irrevocably damaging. We are often forced to fight for them, even when we haven’t always been willing to fight for ourselves.

by Faye McCray

It’s a burden that can be uniquely ours.  And by ours, I mean people of color.  As we move into different career paths or socioeconomic statutes or merely try to introduce ourselves to different experiences, the rooms tend to get less brown.  In a good room, it’s a fleeting thought.  You notice but it doesn’t silence you. In fact, it may encourage you to be brighter, since you are already standing out.  In a difficult room, the otherness can be palpable, leaking from every stare and comment.  You are center court, dodging decades of expectations, and assumptions about your thoughts, beliefs and lifestyle.  You have to fight your way out without shrinking or being defined.

At thirty-something, I feel like an old pro but when it comes to my kids, I still feel like a rookie.  While as adults, we learn to sweep powerless microaggressions under the rug, when it comes to our children, these behaviors, especially in the educational system, can be irrevocably damaging. We are often forced to fight for them, even when we haven’t always been willing to fight for ourselves.  It was with this thought in mind that I wondered, how would I defend my child against bias in the educational setting?

For us, the seemingly inevitable came in my eldest’s second grade year when he came to me and declared that Ms. V*, a paraeducator at his school “…did not like brown boys.”  As I listened to him rattle off the list of infractions: from telling him and other brown boys she was “watching” them to telling him he wasn’t better than anyone else to accusing him of lying about asking to use the bathroom, it was clear she was targeting him but connecting the dots between her behavior and racism would be a much more daunting task.  After all, racism is a very strong accusation.  By definition, it means “a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.”  That’s heavy.  I knew going into his school ready to hurl that word at the first one to listen wasn’t the way to be heard. Whether I believed it to be true or not.

1. Remain calm.

My husband’s karate teacher used to teach self defense to women. He said the women would always start off throwing weak jabs and hits, too shy to use their full strength.  However, as soon as the instructor challenged them to fight like they were protecting their children, all bets were off.  I would wager nothing makes a human more feral than the thought of having to protect your children.  However, when it comes to protecting our children in the education setting, we must remain calm. In spite of what reality TV has taught us, no one ever hears you when you’re yelling. This I know. Though my first instinct was to contact the school immediately upon learning of this educator’s behavior, I knew I needed to calm down first.  In my case, it meant waiting for my husband to come home so we could strategize, have some tea, and get a good night’s sleep.

2. Identify your objective.

In our case, we wanted the behavior to stop. We were fortunate Ms. V was a paraeducator and not his primary teacher. We adored his primary teacher.  We also had a great relationship with his school’s administrators. We didn’t think we were confronting a systemic problem but more of a problem with this particular educator.  Thus, we knew disciplinary action could potentially rectify the situation. We also knew from previous interactions with Ms. V, discussing the issue directly with her may cloud our objective.  She wasn’t personable and seemed like the kind of small-minded individual that may antagonize the situation.  We knew calmly discussing the issue with the principal was the best way to find a solution for the problem.

Identifying your objective is crucial in determining what path of redress you should take. If you suspect the problem is systemic, your starting point may be beyond the administrators but with the school board.

“Make [the issue] child specific. All parents are critical of their children’s progress. Everyone will understand that. When you start with race, you put people on the defensive and that is counterproductive.”

3. Focus on the child.

Princess Lyles, Executive Director of Democracy Builders, an organization focusing on parental advocacy in public schools, recommends: “Make [the issue] child specific. All parents are critical of their children’s progress. Everyone will understand that. When you start with race, you put people on the defensive and that is counterproductive.”

Our first step was sitting down with the principal and expressing our disappointment with our son’s experience. We used phrases like, “Ms. V’s words made our son feel vulnerable” and “Ms. V made him feel targeted.”  We let the principal know our son was enthusiastic about learning and looked forward to going to school each day.  We were worried his interaction with this educator would ruin that.  Our son didn’t have a history of behavioral problems or problems with any other teachers in the school.  This made it clear that the issue was more with this particular educator.

4. Document and investigate.

We were fortunate that our principal was very receptive so our battle ended there. In fact, while we used words like “vulnerable” and “targeted.”  She used phrases like “resistant to change” and “from a different time.”  It was clear we were ALL on the same page.

Although our principal was receptive to our grievances, we were prepared to go further.  Our son’s concern about Ms. V’s interaction with all “brown boys” stemmed from weeks of watching her berate and target brown children.  We knew he wasn’t the only one at stake.

Lyles recommends documenting your child’s allegations, observing interactions (where possible) and talking with other parents.  “Poke around to see if there are similar circumstances,” she said.  If the issue warrants going beyond teachers and administrators, you may have to  bring your grievances to the school board.  In which case, you want to prepared.

5. Explore other options.

“Education is a partnership,” said Lyles. “To the extent the school isn’t working to make it a partnership, it may not work for you.  Unfortunately, one size does not fit all, you will constantly be on a mission to find the school that’s the right fit.”

The truth is, not everyone is cut out to be the Norma Rae of inclusive education. Often your priority is to protect your child and that’s okay.  If your child is attending a private school or if a private school is within your means, the solution may be as easy as finding another private school.  If private school is not an option, many school districts offer open enrollments, charter schools and variance applications that open the door to attending schools outside of your neighborhood.  Do your homework and know your options.

“You are your child’s best advocate.”

6. Remain involved.

Whether it’s the beginning, middle or end of your child’s educational career, it is important to remain involved.  My husband and I are both active members of our school community. We have held positions on the PTA and volunteered regularly in our son’s classrooms. We also encourage constant dialogue with our children’s teachers and administrators.  When I emailed my son’s principal to request a meeting, she already knew who we were.  She knew we were invested in our child’s education, not just when there was a problem but when things were going well.  After our meeting, she also knew we wouldn’t just disappear. We would remain active and thus, she would remain accountable.

Even if your work schedule makes it difficult to give face time at your child’s school, emails and social media make it easier to remain active.  Send an email checking in every once in awhile.  Ask about your child’s progress and what you can do at home.  Be sure to introduce yourself and your child to school administrators where possible.

“You are your child’s best advocate,” said Lyles.  The best way to avoid problems is to be there before they start.

*name changed.

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About The Author

Faye McCray is anMcCray_AuthorPhoto (1) attorney by day and writer all the time. Her work has been featured on My Brown Baby, AfroPunk, AfroNews, For Harriet, Madame Noire, Black Girl Nerds, Black and Married with Kids, and other popular publications.  Faye also has a number of short stories and a full length novel available for purchase on Amazon.  Most importantly, Faye is a proud wife and mother to three beautiful and talented young boys who she is fiercely passionate about raising.